theacousticlife.com » marriage

date nights

abelara — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 23:05:23 +0000

for today’s marriage tip I thought I’d share this little interchange that deb just texted me between her and our kindergatener.

———-
Julia (5): a boy in my class says he wants to go on a date w/ me.

Deb: what do you think you would do on a date?

Julia: whatever a mom & dad do, I guess.

Deb: we usually just buy groceries :)

———-
yeah, sounds exciting huh?!

but seriously, go on dates with your spouse no matter how “unromantic” they sound. not every date has to be a scene out of a movie, or beat the expectations of the last time you went “all out”.

couples need to spend time together. period.

moolah, benjamins, loot, dough, greenbacks

abelara — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 23:34:22 +0000

there’s all kinds of names for it, but there’s no way around it. this world runs on money.

so it’s no surprise that in marriage, it’s a HUGE topic. and sometimes, shall we say, “heated discussions” ensue. there’s lots of different ways i could discuss the issue of money in marriage, but i’ll focus on the practical.

1) don’t be afraid to talk about how your parents spent money.
that’s right, i said your parents. it’s easy for accusations to fly, and feelings to get bruised when we’re discussing how our spouse spends, or defending how we spend. but it’s not quite so personal to talk about how our parents viewed money when we were growing up. and in doing so it gives your spouse a lot of insight into why you make the decisions you do.
2) find help
although most of us are far wealthier than we think are compared to the rest of the world, we could all use some advice in the area of finances. and there’s no excuse for not finding that advice. there’s books, cds, podcasts, blogs, websites, and software all dedicated to helping you get “on track” when it comes to your finances. if you have now idea where to start go to www.daveramsey.com and click the link at the top of the page titled “new to Dave Ramsey?“
3) know where your money is going
“budget” is not a four-letter word. and it doesn’t mean “not spending”. it simply means knowing where your money is going before it’s gone. DO IT!! whether you do it on paper, in a spreadsheet application, or some fancy computer software, DO IT!! (and do it together with your spouse)
4) be generous
even Ebenezer Scrooge didn’t want to be known as a scrooge by the end of the story. and in all honesty, i’m not even throwing this one in because Deb and I are currently in a process asking people to support our ministry with FamilyLife. even if you aren’t or don’t want to give to our ministry, we still want you and your spouse to be generous people. and save the excuses for why you’re not, i’ve heard them all. you’ll thank me later. be generous.

if money issues are a source of tension in your marriage, then you owe it to yourself, your spouse, and you kids to figure this money stuff out, and get on the same page. whether this is the first advice you’ve received on marriage, or if you’ve already been through FPU and just needed a refresher course i hope this has nudged you and your spouse in the right direction.

falling in love in MPD

abelara — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 13:32:24 +0000

abe: “i think i’m falling in love with you again.”

deb: “oh, really? what do you mean?”

abe: “i think it has to do with all the time we’re being forced to spend with each other through this process. and even though the time we’re spending together is spent doing the SAME thing over and over again. it’s just nice to be able to be with you.

we don’t have kids pulling on us, we’re having interactions with other adults and it’s just nice.

it’s nice to be able to be working on this project together”

deb: “that’s nice”

that was a snippet of conversation deb and i shared this past tuesday as we drove home from yakima.

we also happened to be driving separate cars home, and we talked on the phone the WHOLE way home. (45 min) we haven’t had a 1 on 1 uninterrupted conversation like that in years. i might even say since our college days when we’d go for long walks or talk on the phone for hours.

i’m looking forward to not having any appointments this weekend – our kids could use some dedicated uninterrupted “mom and dad” time.

we’re two weeks into this process, and from my post last week , you can tell it’s thrown our “normal” routine schedule into a tail spin. that particular tuesday, we had just gotten done with two appointments with great friends and i had been gone from home since 6:20am and returned home around 10:50pm.

but through this challenging/exhausting MPD* process, i’ve been pleasantly surprised to find myself falling in love with my wife all over again.

- – - – - – - – - -
*MPD = Ministry Partner Development – that’s the name given to the process of us raising a team of supporters so we can report to Little Rock as fully funded staff missionaries with FamilyLife

talk it out

abelara — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 02:03:04 +0000

this morning, for various reasons, deb and i got off on the wrong page together. the first two sentences we exchanged turned into a misunderstanding.

as a guy, everything within me wanted to clam up, try to forget about it, and hope for the best later in the day.
but the fact is: it doesn’t EVER just go away. over the last 10+ years of marriage i can attest to that fact.

fight the urge to put it off, ignore it, or forget about it. if you absolutely can’t talk it out right now, then at least agree on a time to get back together to talk it out.

yes, it’s hard. yes, there may be more confusion as you’re trying to talk it out. and no, you won’t always resolve the issue with one session of talking.

but your spouse deserves to know that you care enough about them to talk it out. and that’s the real issue. you’re working on your relationship, not necessarily on the issue.

talk it out.

in search of Solomon

abelara — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 06:28:27 +0000

the Bible says that Solomon was the wisest man who ever lived. and that he astounded people with the decisions he made with his great wisdom (see 1 Kings 3 for full details).

but i’d have to think that even Solomon would be stumped as to how to advise the couple in the story below. i found this story when reading through the FML app on my iPhone. (if you don’t know what FML means, google it)

Today, I found out why my husband had wanted to wait until marriage to get it on. Last night was the first night of our honeymoon, and he informed me that he wasn’t always Ben, but used to be Brenda. His ‘penis’ doesn’t work and he had wanted to know I “truly loved him” before he had let me know. FML

i’m stumped as to how i would counsel this couple if they came to me. as much as deb and i believe in reconciling marriages and that divorce sucks, i have to wonder would this be an exception? maybe an annulment?

what would you say?

check your eyes

abelara — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 00:13:52 +0000

i have heard it said:

“before the wedding, couples should have their eyes wide open. and afterwards they should have them half shut.”

what does this mean?

it’s a warning to single’s to not dive headlong into a relationship with out “seeing” or knowing the other person’s character, the good and the bad.

does he give too much attention to sports? does she spend too much money? is he a man who keeps is promises? does she have a heart of humility? does he treat his mother with honor? does she have a good relationship with her dad?

all of these are indicators of potential blessings or pitfalls in marriage.

on the other hand, once you’re already married are you still looking for his/her faults? the answer should be “NO”. now you may be “right” about a particular subject or decision. you may have not grown up doing things the same way as your spouse (and obviously any moron should know your way is the right way).

but in trying to win the argument, are you instead losing a friendship, connection, and love? in trying to look better than them, are you making them look like an idiot, a fool, or just plain uncaring? and if so, what does that say about you for marrying such a person?

i’m not saying that you should be blind to your spouse’s faults. what i am saying is that there’s a proper way to bring those up to them in a constructive way, and in public is not one of them. also remember for every finger you point towards your partner, your hand is pointing 3 fingers back at you.

to put it all into context repeat the following phrase the next time you catch yourself finding fault with your spouse (say it out loud if you have to):

My spouse did not marry me to intentionally drive me crazy, disappoint me, or ridicule me. And I did not marry them to intentionally drive them crazy, disappoint them, or ridicule them.

ep. 5 – it’s about sex

abelara — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 04:42:54 +0000

it was a couple weeks ago that i promised we’d post a podcast about sex. well, it’s finally here.

this is a shorter episode because we recorded this episode before our lifegroup. but i was confused about the time, so we finished sooner. plus the fact that we didn’t have a written outline.

mentioned on this episode:

what motivates us

abelara — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 16:45:41 +0000

in this video Dennis Rainey shares his favorite letter that he’s received concerning a Weekend to Remember Conference experience.

visit FamilyLife’s Weekend to Remember site to find conference dates and locations in your area. and if you’re interested in attending send us an email at feedback@theacousticlife.com to find out how you can receive a discount off registration, or other means of attending.

english muffins and love

abelara — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 20:47:44 +0000

i would probably describe myself as a competitive person. and if you know deb, she’s also competitive. sometimes this is a fun playful thing between us, and other times it’s not always a good thing. but there is one aspect that i hope we can keep things competitive.

have you ever read your Bible with married eyes? that is, you are soaking in what the scriptures are saying to you concerning your spouse and/or your relationship to them?

in the English Standard Version of Romans 12 the section from verses 9-21 are categorized as “Marks of a True Christian”. but now re-read that through married eyes, focusing in on the second part of verse 10.

“Outdo one another in showing honor.”

the other day i woke up early to go to the store before work to get milk and bread since we were out and because with 6 kids in the house it’s essential to have them. it was towards the end of the month, so we were kinda low on funds, but as i was getting ready deb muttered something about getting her english muffins as well. but then she also added that they weren’t as essential and we could get them next month.

later in the day she thanked me and asked, “why did you get english muffins? i don’t even remember asking you for them.” i mentioned how in her half sleepy state she had asked, but then said they were not needed. but BAM … i had found an opportunity to make her day.

it won’t always cost you $3 to make your spouse happy. sometimes there are free ways, other times it will cost more. at times A LOT more. but can you afford not to?can you just let your marriage drift?

how are you doing, are you looking for opportunities to show your spouse honor? to make their day? to give them more reasons to love you?

the format

abelara — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 19:29:52 +0000

it seems that anytime we go out in public with all our kids someone will inevitably ask us when we’re gonna get our own tv show. we don’t mind, we actually like the attention a little. and it’s fun to be able to show people that you can have a family larger than 2.2 kids and not be at each others throats or pulling our hair out. so with that in mind we’ve decided to give the site a little more attention.

if you saw deb’s devotional video yesterday you heard her mention during the end that we were giving this site a little more attention and we would both be contributing more often. we’ve even set up a schedule and themes for us to post on.

so here it is:
Mon:: devos with deb (devotional insights from a mom/wife/princess)
Tues:: married life (thoughts on marriage from a guy/dad/husband/pastor)
Wed:: parenting life (hints/tips/encouragement on parenting from a mom of SIX kids)
Thur:: FamilyLife Update (all the news/updates on our progress to moving to Little Rock by abe)
Fri:: house to home (recipes, family fun activities, cleaning/organizing tips by deb)
Sat:: pic/video of the week (a look into the lives of the laras chosen by abe)
Sun:: theacousticlife.com podcast (every 1st & 3rd sunday we’ll have a new episode posted)

if you have any questions or comments or specific topics you’d like us to discuss, send us an email: feedback@theacousticlife.com.

we hope this site will encourage you (and sometimes challenge you) to become a better family, have a stronger marriage, and get to know us a little better (even though we don’t have our own tv show).

bowling terms

abelara — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 17:17:48 +0000

how many of you know what 3 strikes in a row is called when you go bowling? how about 4? 5? without googling it.

well last saturday i found out. we went bowling with deb’s sister for her birthday and she got a Turkey – 3 strikes in a row.

well…deb and i also got a Turkey, we also achieved a Hambone (4 in a row), but we didn’t get the Yahtzee (5 in a row). and we’re not talking about bowling any more.

it kinda threw us out of sorts, and we weren’t “on the same page” emotionally/mentally like we should be last night and this morning. after i left for work, here’s the text messages we exchanged this morning.

btw: that’s 3,4, and 5 nights in a row not times per night.

on our next episode of theacouticlife.com podcast we’ll be tackling the topic of sex in marriage. we’re looking forward to it.

maybe we’ll record it tonight and have it up tomorrow sometime. (well at least by the end of the week.)

if you have any specific questions you’d like us to address leave a comment, send an email, twitter, facebook, text, or call us. you can find out how to get a hold of us on the contact page.

- – - – - – - -

PS. yes, i asked deb’s permission to post the messages/pic above

it is worth fighting for

abelara — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 15:14:41 +0000

“if He raised Jesus from the dead, don’t you think he is powerful enough to bring new life back into your marriage?”

those words, from the story of a couple we met this past summer when visiting the campus of FamilyLife, have been ringing in my head since then as I see and hear about broken relationships all around me.

I recently listened to a podcast on FamilyLife that describes one story that seemed impossible to rescue. but with God all things are possible. click the link below to listen. and stay through till the very end where they share a letter from the husband to the wife.

Love Renewed: Paul and Tina Meek

———-

ps. until Sunday, 8/16, when you sign up for a Weekend to Remember Conference at regular price you can get a certificate for another couple to join you free of charge. if you’re interested, go to familylife.com/weekend and enter the promo code: HOPE.

whyiloveyou

abelara — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 01:23:29 +0000

there’s a little thing called twitter, have you heard of it? and on twitter there’s a way to get an ongoing trend from one person or multiple people at the same time/event/place. it’s called a hashtag.

a hashtag is a word, phrase, or just letters preceded by the number sign. such as: #olympics, #superbowl, #election, #christmaslist, etc.

anyone can create these hashtags either for personal use or for use by anyone that knows about it. the other day i started one such hashtag for the days leading up to Valentine’s day (but i plan on continuing it past v-day).

#whyiloveyou

you can search any hashtag, or anything else, you wish by going to http://search.twitter.com and then entering the word, phrase, or hashtag. so far i’m the only one that’s using this hashtag, although if you feel like starting to use it directed at the person you love, you’re more than welcome to.

here’s the search results page for #whyiloveyou (they’re in reverse chronological order):

Realtime results for #whyiloveyou

abelara: you’re adventurous and amazing in unexpected places/times.#whyiloveyou

about 6 hours ago · Reply · View Tweet
abelara: you’ve got gorgeous red hair. #whyiloveyou

1 day ago · Reply · View Tweet
abelara: you make really cute kids (with my help of course) #whyiloveyou

2 days ago · Reply · View Tweet
abelara: because that blue bandanna you wear sometimes reminds me of what you looked like when i first fell in love with you. #whyiloveyou

2 days ago · Reply · View Tweet
abelara: whenever i preach, you always wish i would preach longer, b/c you like to hear me speak. #whyiloveyou

3 days ago · Reply · View Tweet
abelara: you absolutely make the BEST choc. chip cookies, (even when you use 1/2 wheat flour) & most of the time U make them just 4 me. #whyiloveyou

3 days ago · Reply · View Tweet
abelara: you love one other man (Jesus) more than you love me. #whyiloveyou

3 days ago · Reply · View Tweet
abelara: to @deblara i now begin the reasons #whyiloveyou: because just over 10 years ago you said “yes” to me.

3 days ago · Reply · View Tweet

for added fun, deb also started a hashtag called #whyiloveyou2.

i love you @deblara. my hope is that over the years i’ll be able to add hundreds if not thousands more reasons #whyiloveyou to the list i started above.

Happy Valentine’s Day, babe!!

i love you in russian

abelara — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 16:26:19 +0000

anyone who’s married knows that it takes a lot of work to make it a successful, happy, thriving relationship. our natural tendency is towards selfishness, not towards serving.

there’s been excellent books written on the “love languages”; words, touch, service, gifts, & time. and regardless of whether ‘service’ makes it into your top one or two love languages, there’s no denying that it will be a part of your relationship at some time or another.

no matter what your top language is or what your partner’s top language is; you must intentionally “serve” that other person by speaking their language to them instead of your top language.

so to that end i’ve developed a method for me to combat my selfishness.

do you remember in The Princess Bride how Westley wouldn’t say the words “i love you” to Buttercup. instead whenever she asked him to do anything he would say, “as you wish”. and finally she realized that in his heart whenever he said those words he was actually meaning, “i love you.”

in like manner, when deb asks me to do something i think in my head, “yes, i’ll (fill in the blank) , did you know that means ‘i love you’ in russian?”

“abe, can you empty the kitty litter?”

“yesill changeit” – (translated means “i love you” in russian)

“abe, go get the baby” (at 3am)

“okhere igo” – (translated means “i love you” in russian)

“abe, i’m going to the store, can you finish loading the dishwasher”

“oksure” – (translated means “i love you” in russian)

so that’s how i combat my selfishness. oh and in case you’re wondering, you can find out how to actually say “I love you” in russian at Say I love you in Russian!

Emmanuel and Jessika Perez

abelara — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 08:54:56 +0000

yesterday (saturday 8.16.08) i had the privilege of participating in the beautiful wedding of Jessika Babcock and Emmanuel Perez. (aren’t they a cute couple!)

this was the second wedding that i’ve had a part in conducting – the first was my sister’s last year. hmm, two consecutive years of weddings in august. whose will i be a part of next year?? hint, hint @rhondaberghoff ;-)

i played the part of the translator in this wedding, although i guess i did officiate part of it since the bride decided to do her vows solely in spanish for the benefit of the grooms family. i’m “pretty good” at translating general conversational spanish, but i’d forgotten how much specific vocabulary is used in a wedding that i was at a loss for words pretty frequently. everyone kept telling me (and to deb) how well i did, but i think it was mainly the english speakers who didn’t know how to speak spanish so didn’t know how much i was messing up.

this wedding was special to me because of the fact that it was the first wedding of two people who were in our youth ministry when we first arrived at this church. jessika had just finished her freshman year of high school when we first met her, she was 15.^“1 i didn’t really get to know emmanuel until maybe jessika’s senior year of high school.²

since first meeting jessika i’ve seen her grow into a beautiful young woman of God. she worships God passionately (both on and off the stage – the girl can sing!) she cares for people genuinely and strives to include others. there have been occasions where her walk with God has challenged areas in my devotional life. she’s been a part of the church’s worship team, performed in Fine Arts Festivals, graduated high school, did a year internship with missionaries in mexico, and then returned back home where she now leads the youth ministry she was once a part of.

as for emmanuel, he also has a humble heart before God. he has musical talents and abilities; and he can also preach. but he is also humble and always giving honor to God for the abilities he has.

emmanuel was the lucky one in a line of suitors that tried to win jessika’s heart. and as the youth pastor in her final years of high school i got to see many of them try. and i tried to warn her about some of them too. in the end she realized that she wanted to marry someone who on a fundamental level she was friends with.

after-all “that lovin’ feeling” comes and goes after the honeymoon is over. love is ultimately a choice that needs to be made every day. so if you aren’t friends even when the loving feelings aren’t there one day then your marriage won’t last long. eventually the feelings will come back if you’ve chosen to act lovingly towards that other person; whether that’s your spouse, child, parent, friend, __________.

on sunday morning deb and i prayed for Emmanuel and Jessika and their new marriage. we prayed that they would grow in love and grace both with God and each other.

during the reception they had a time for people to give them marriage advice. you’ll have to ask them yourself whether they followed the advice i gave them then. but if i were to give them two more nuggets of wisdom i would say:

1) allow each other grace. grace is what says in the difficult times, “i know we’re having problems right now either because of circumstances, choices, attitudes, or miscommunication but i’m going to believe the best in you anyways. i’m going to trust that you’re not trying to make my life miserable right now on purpose. you truly are on “my team” and we need to work this out together.”

2) have lots of sex. ok, i truly am trying to be serious here. God gave sex as a good gift for a man and woman within marriage. numerous books have been written on the subject of how men and women view sex differently, and you can research that on your own. but the bottom line is that jessika when you take care of emmanuel’s needs in this area of your marriage, he will take care of you in every area. and emmanuel when you take care of jessika’s needs in your marriage, she’ll take care of you in this area.

if you would like more explanation on that previous paragraph feel free to call/email/or visit with either deb or i. just believe us. sex is like the grease (no pun intended) in your marriage engine that keeps the friction to a minimum.

so what was your best marriage advice? what would you say to a newlywed couple? sound off in the comments.

you can also wish jessika and emmanuel congratulations directly on their facebook pages.

——————–
// today i’m thankful for:
1. a new family formed
2. leftover wedding cake
3. one more week of summer vacation
4. our fabulous lifegroup
5. this week looks to be cooler than last week was

——————–

1) technically i guess i met her back when i was in college and the ministry team i was on did a service at her parent’s church in Marblemount, WA. it was a tiny little town and though i don’t remember much i do remember the pastor’s kids running around playing after the service. i’m guessing i met her then but she would have been 8 so i don’t remember her that well.

2) although i think technically i also had met/seen him before too. his dad is the pastor of hispanic congregation here in grandview that is part of the same denomination as was my father. so i’m sure there was bound to be times that i saw him (as a kid) running around the church network services.

princesses and pornography

deblara — Tue, 05 Sep 2006 20:54:00 +0000

i was confronted with something today that i can’t imagine my regular readers have ever had to deal with. i never even imagined myself writing on the topic.
i sat down to write a new entry today and decided to first go online and see if there might already be blogs on princess living. i innocently went to a site that revealed a little bit more about a certain princess than i wanted to see. what shocked me though was, even as a female, i had a hard time looking away. i thought this was just a guy issue. but here i was- a pastor’s wife- struggling with uninvited sexual feelings with inapproriate pictures. well i did close the site, but continued to feel like i wanted to go back.

there have been other times, as well, where unexpected images have popped up on my screen. i have not had a problem telling my husband the nature of what i had seen and my related feelings. after all, it was not my fault. i did not pursue those experiences.

now, here i was today, fighting the urge to see more things. i know porn is wrong, but wasn’t quite sure why it would be a problem for women… for me. i tried to justify it- research of our culture, etc. i decided that i did not have a problem now, but it could turn into one. i visited xxxchurch.com and found an article at trueu.org that dealt with women and porn. both helped alot. what i gleaned was that “to use porn is to wallow in sin” (which i don’t want to do) and when you use porn you are objectifying another person – created in the image of God (which i certainly do not want to do). so i decided to walk away from the computer- and went to make my bed. i thanked the Lord for helping me through this test. it sure wasn’t fun. and i thought, maybe just maybe, what i went through today will help someone else.
like i said, i never thought i’d be writing about this topic. i think of myself as very pure and unaffected by many of the world’s influences. but i saw today that i’m just as vulnerable as anyone else.

Psalm 101:3 says “i will refuse to look at anything vile and vulgar.” i think that is the secret: stay away from the things that will cause you to want to hide from the light of the King.

Ephesians 5:11 says “have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.”

i don’t intend to visit any more ungodly sites. 1John 1:7 says “if we walk in the light as He is in the light we have fellowship with one another and the blood of Jesus, His son purifies us from all sin.” that is what i want- fellowship with others and purification from all sin.

so there you have it- a princess leads a godly life that others can follow. there cannot be anything that she is afraid of exposing.

if you have a ‘dark’ secret, find someone you trust to confess it to (God works), then repent and begin walking in the light- today.