for today’s marriage tip I thought I’d share this little interchange that deb just texted me between her and our kindergatener.
———- Julia (5): a boy in my class says he wants to go on a date w/ me.
Deb: what do you think you would do on a date?
Julia: whatever a mom & dad do, I guess.
Deb: we usually just buy groceries :)
———- yeah, sounds exciting huh?!
but seriously, go on dates with your spouse no matter how “unromantic” they sound. not every date has to be a scene out of a movie, or beat the expectations of the last time you went “all out”.
couples need to spend time together. period.
there’s all kinds of names for it, but there’s no way around it. this world runs on money.
so it’s no surprise that in marriage, it’s a HUGE topic. and sometimes, shall we say, “heated discussions” ensue. there’s lots of different ways i could discuss the issue of money in marriage, but i’ll focus on the practical.
1) don’t be afraid to talk about how your parents spent money. that’s right, i said your parents. it’s easy for accusations to fly, and feelings to get bruised when we’re discussing how our spouse spends, or defending how we spend. but it’s not quite so personal to talk about how our parents viewed money when we were growing up. and in doing so it gives your spouse a lot of insight into why you make the decisions you do.
2) find help although most of us are far wealthier than we think are compared to the rest of the world, we could all use some advice in the area of finances. and there’s no excuse for not finding that advice. there’s books, cds, podcasts, blogs, websites, and software all dedicated to helping you get “on track” when it comes to your finances. if you have now idea where to start go to www.daveramsey.com and click the link at the top of the page titled “new to Dave Ramsey?“
3) know where your money is going “budget” is not a four-letter word. and it doesn’t mean “not spending”. it simply means knowing where your money is going before it’s gone. DO IT!! whether you do it on paper, in a spreadsheet application, or some fancy computer software, DO IT!! (and do it together with your spouse)
4) be generous even Ebenezer Scrooge didn’t want to be known as a scrooge by the end of the story. and in all honesty, i’m not even throwing this one in because Deb and I are currently in a process asking people to support our ministry with FamilyLife. even if you aren’t or don’t want to give to our ministry, we still want you and your spouse to be generous people. and save the excuses for why you’re not, i’ve heard them all. you’ll thank me later. be generous.
if money issues are a source of tension in your marriage, then you owe it to yourself, your spouse, and you kids to figure this money stuff out, and get on the same page. whether this is the first advice you’ve received on marriage, or if you’ve already been through FPU and just needed a refresher course i hope this has nudged you and your spouse in the right direction.
abe: “i think i’m falling in love with you again.”
deb: “oh, really? what do you mean?”
abe: “i think it has to do with all the time we’re being forced to spend with each other through this process. and even though the time we’re spending together is spent doing the SAME thing over and over again. it’s just nice to be able to be with you.
we don’t have kids pulling on us, we’re having interactions with other adults and it’s just nice.
it’s nice to be able to be working on this project together”
deb: “that’s nice”
that was a snippet of conversation deb and i shared this past tuesday as we drove home from yakima.
we also happened to be driving separate cars home, and we talked on the phone the WHOLE way home. (45 min) we haven’t had a 1 on 1 uninterrupted conversation like that in years. i might even say since our college days when we’d go for long walks or talk on the phone for hours.
i’m looking forward to not having any appointments this weekend – our kids could use some dedicated uninterrupted “mom and dad” time.
we’re two weeks into this process, and from my post last week , you can tell it’s thrown our “normal” routine schedule into a tail spin. that particular tuesday, we had just gotten done with two appointments with great friends and i had been gone from home since 6:20am and returned home around 10:50pm.
but through this challenging/exhausting MPD* process, i’ve been pleasantly surprised to find myself falling in love with my wife all over again.
- – - – - – - – - - *MPD = Ministry Partner Development – that’s the name given to the process of us raising a team of supporters so we can report to Little Rock as fully funded staff missionaries with FamilyLife
this morning, for various reasons, deb and i got off on the wrong page together. the first two sentences we exchanged turned into a misunderstanding.
as a guy, everything within me wanted to clam up, try to forget about it, and hope for the best later in the day.
but the fact is: it doesn’t EVER just go away. over the last 10+ years of marriage i can attest to that fact.
fight the urge to put it off, ignore it, or forget about it. if you absolutely can’t talk it out right now, then at least agree on a time to get back together to talk it out.
yes, it’s hard. yes, there may be more confusion as you’re trying to talk it out. and no, you won’t always resolve the issue with one session of talking.
but your spouse deserves to know that you care enough about them to talk it out. and that’s the real issue. you’re working on your relationship, not necessarily on the issue.
the Bible says that Solomon was the wisest man who ever lived. and that he astounded people with the decisions he made with his great wisdom (see 1 Kings 3 for full details).
but i’d have to think that even Solomon would be stumped as to how to advise the couple in the story below. i found this story when reading through the FML app on my iPhone. (if you don’t know what FML means, google it)
Today, I found out why my husband had wanted to wait until marriage to get it on. Last night was the first night of our honeymoon, and he informed me that he wasn’t always Ben, but used to be Brenda. His ‘penis’ doesn’t work and he had wanted to know I “truly loved him” before he had let me know. FML
i’m stumped as to how i would counsel this couple if they came to me. as much as deb and i believe in reconciling marriages and that divorce sucks, i have to wonder would this be an exception? maybe an annulment?
“before the wedding, couples should have their eyes wide open. and afterwards they should have them half shut.”
what does this mean?
it’s a warning to single’s to not dive headlong into a relationship with out “seeing” or knowing the other person’s character, the good and the bad.
does he give too much attention to sports? does she spend too much money? is he a man who keeps is promises? does she have a heart of humility? does he treat his mother with honor? does she have a good relationship with her dad?
all of these are indicators of potential blessings or pitfalls in marriage.
on the other hand, once you’re already married are you still looking for his/her faults? the answer should be “NO”. now you may be “right” about a particular subject or decision. you may have not grown up doing things the same way as your spouse (and obviously any moron should know your way is the right way).
but in trying to win the argument, are you instead losing a friendship, connection, and love? in trying to look better than them, are you making them look like an idiot, a fool, or just plain uncaring? and if so, what does that say about you for marrying such a person?
i’m not saying that you should be blind to your spouse’s faults. what i am saying is that there’s a proper way to bring those up to them in a constructive way, and in public is not one of them. also remember for every finger you point towards your partner, your hand is pointing 3 fingers back at you.
to put it all into context repeat the following phrase the next time you catch yourself finding fault with your spouse (say it out loud if you have to):
My spouse did not marry me to intentionally drive me crazy, disappoint me, or ridicule me. And I did not marry them to intentionally drive them crazy, disappoint them, or ridicule them.
it was a couple weeks ago that i promised we’d post a podcast about sex. well, it’s finally here.
this is a shorter episode because we recorded this episode before our lifegroup. but i was confused about the time, so we finished sooner. plus the fact that we didn’t have a written outline.
in this video Dennis Rainey shares his favorite letter that he’s received concerning a Weekend to Remember Conference experience.
visit FamilyLife’s Weekend to Remember site to find conference dates and locations in your area. and if you’re interested in attending send us an email at feedback@theacousticlife.com to find out how you can receive a discount off registration, or other means of attending.
i would probably describe myself as a competitive person. and if you know deb, she’s also competitive. sometimes this is a fun playful thing between us, and other times it’s not always a good thing. but there is one aspect that i hope we can keep things competitive.
have you ever read your Bible with married eyes? that is, you are soaking in what the scriptures are saying to you concerning your spouse and/or your relationship to them?
in the English Standard Version of Romans 12 the section from verses 9-21 are categorized as “Marks of a True Christian”. but now re-read that through married eyes, focusing in on the second part of verse 10.
“Outdo one another in showing honor.”
the other day i woke up early to go to the store before work to get milk and bread since we were out and because with 6 kids in the house it’s essential to have them. it was towards the end of the month, so we were kinda low on funds, but as i was getting ready deb muttered something about getting her english muffins as well. but then she also added that they weren’t as essential and we could get them next month.
later in the day she thanked me and asked, “why did you get english muffins? i don’t even remember asking you for them.” i mentioned how in her half sleepy state she had asked, but then said they were not needed. but BAM … i had found an opportunity to make her day.
it won’t always cost you $3 to make your spouse happy. sometimes there are free ways, other times it will cost more. at times A LOT more. but can you afford not to?can you just let your marriage drift?
how are you doing, are you looking for opportunities to show your spouse honor? to make their day? to give them more reasons to love you?
it seems that anytime we go out in public with all our kids someone will inevitably ask us when we’re gonna get our own tv show. we don’t mind, we actually like the attention a little. and it’s fun to be able to show people that you can have a family larger than 2.2 kids and not be at each others throats or pulling our hair out. so with that in mind we’ve decided to give the site a little more attention.
if you saw deb’s devotional video yesterday you heard her mention during the end that we were giving this site a little more attention and we would both be contributing more often. we’ve even set up a schedule and themes for us to post on.
so here it is: Mon:: devos with deb (devotional insights from a mom/wife/princess) Tues::married life (thoughts on marriage from a guy/dad/husband/pastor) Wed::parenting life (hints/tips/encouragement on parenting from a mom of SIX kids) Thur::FamilyLife Update (all the news/updates on our progress to moving to Little Rock by abe) Fri::house to home (recipes, family fun activities, cleaning/organizing tips by deb) Sat::pic/video of the week (a look into the lives of the laras chosen by abe) Sun::theacousticlife.com podcast(every 1st & 3rd sunday we’ll have a new episode posted)
if you have any questions or comments or specific topics you’d like us to discuss, send us an email: feedback@theacousticlife.com.
we hope this site will encourage you (and sometimes challenge you) to become a better family, have a stronger marriage, and get to know us a little better (even though we don’t have our own tv show).
@cathynajera you do realize that those emoticons only show up for people using an iPhone or iPod touch. but it's ok to use them if you know. in reply to cathynajera6 hrs ago
